What if instead of looking at myself like a broken mirror that I need to somehow glue back together, I stop and just look at my reflection? The broken pieces are sharp and cut my hands when I hold them, so what if I stop trying to hold them?
Do all the broken pieces have to be repaired before there is healing?
I am “working hard” on healing. Maybe too hard. I’m so tired of hauling around years of trauma, my abandonment issues, the stress of caregiving, and my lack of self worth. I am willing to try anything to feel better. I want to let go of the past and feel inner peace and maybe even love myself a little.
So I work on self-improvement..
And work
And work
But today I’m wondering… does healing require so much work?
Self-reflection is important. Learning from past mistakes and tragedies also important. And gaining skills to stop self-destruction and maladapted coping strategies is vital. It is important to learn to care for yourself and we often need therapists to help us do that. It takes dedication and real work to stop the harmful behaviors that lead us to misery.
My question tonight is… when do we stop working on ourselves?
When do we accept ourselves, broken parts and all?
I’m not saying we should ever give up on healing but I am saying its possible we’ve got the focus of healing all wrong.
I am not broken. I am human.
That means I overthink, am incredibly hard on myself, identify with my emotions, cling to other people and spend too much money on clothes. I am insecure, filled with constant anxiety and I can’t imagine why anyone would want to be with me. I work hard on fixing my perceived frailties hoping one day I’ll stop being frightened of my own shadow and feel good about myself.
After years and years of hard work, I’m still waiting to like myself.
So now I think I need to rethink healing.
Instead of working hard trying to find the right type of glue to put all of those broken shards together so I am whole, what if I simply look at myself in those reflective shards and say hello?
What if I say “Thank You”?
What if I approach therapy with compassion and curiosity about myself rather than as homework with a final exam at the end?
What if I say “You’re not broken” and stop trying to fix myself?
What if you did too?