Energy Depletion

(image from ThoughtCo )

Since Rhia moved out, all I want to do is sleep. My skin feels heavy stretched across my frame and sometimes my muscles tremble as if I’ve lifted hundreds of pounds of iron. Everything aches. It’s clear that I’ve been running on adrenaline instead of energy.

Energy, like particles of fire coursing through my body, colliding, surging, expanding, swirling together until enough heat is generated to fuel my heart and head. Energy needing more fuel to burn bright, like a star burning hydrogen in the darkness. Even stars have a lifespan. Energy never disappears, but it does have limits. It either has to be transformed or transferred. I transferred most of my energy to my daughter so that she would thrive, then what energy was left for me was transformed into a heavy, languid, slow moving force that longed for rest. Adrenaline then provided the fuel so I could work.

Did I physically wear out before I mentally burned out, or did emotional exhaustion start the cascade? I suppose it doesn’t matter which came first, mental health depletion or physical depletion, it all leads to energy collapse. To a longing for quiet and rest.

I want to run away and sleep in a large bed near the ocean until my body fully heals and the beating of my heart relaxes to a peaceful rate. I want time for the energy in my body to return to its vibrant velocity before I go back to daily life. I want the ache in my muscles and in my spirit to release so I can breath deeply again. I want to stop wondering if my energy will ever come back.

Transfer or transform, that is what energy wants to do. Through the process of transformation and transition, energy changes, expands, shrinks, moves, radiates and sings. It is powerful but requires gentle care and attention. It can be used, even guided, but it cannot be forced. It can be shared with others but cautiously. Don’t give your energy to people or situations that demand all of it. Trust your body. It knows when your energy is being drained too deeply.

I didn’t know this before. I have no regrets about giving my energy to my child, but I wish I had given a little more to myself.