“You must be reliving your Goth days,” she says with a grin.
I look at my chipped, dark-blue fingernails and shrug. “Not really,” I say. “It helps Rhia see my signs when I’m signing to her. It’s practical. And it’s my favorite color.”
Before the conversation gets too uncomfortable, I say, “But it is fun to embrace my inner Goth.”
The conversation changes to Goth fashion and the different types of Goth that exist today. She calls me a “Whimsy-Goth”. I look it up on Pinterest and decide she’s right.
What is avoided is the deeper reason I’m wearing dark blue nail polish every day.
Rhia is losing her eyesight. She needs a higher contrast on my fingertips to understand my sign language. This is a reality that is too terrifying to consider for long, so I’d rather discuss fairy wings on Whimsy Goth girls.
I thought about wearing classic, red nail polish, but then I decided to try dark blue. It seems to help Rhia see my hands better. And deep, dark blue is my favorite color. It reminds me of the horizon when the sun has set and the stars have just become visible. I can look down at my fingertips and think of blue velvet. Dark blue glass. The cold blue of the Pacific Ocean.
Seeing my favorite color on my fingers is soothing, which balances the very real fear that one day Rhia won’t see my fingers at all. I paint my nails a color that makes me smile, reapplying almost every night to cover up the peeling and chipped polish. I think I’m ready to go to a nail salon and get gel polish that lasts longer. Blue nail polish is now an adaptation for my daughter’s disabilities.
I can simply mourn another loss in my child’s world, or I can mourn and adapt by painting my fingernails blue.
I painted my nails blue.