While writing my memoir I had to choose what to include and what to leave out. How much of my marriage would I reveal to readers? Should I write how I sometimes felt about my family? How many private details should I include when writing about my daughter?
There’s a trepidatious balance between showing the details of your life and oversharing what should stay quiet. I’m still not sure I’ve achieved the right balance, but I did my best. While writing, I focused on Rhia and our journey together. I also tried to stay kind to the other people in our world, even those who hurt us. And I tried to be brave when sharing my feelings about challenging events, including when I was angry or despondent. I am not a perfect mom and it was important that I show my mistakes as well as the joys in my book.
Critics of memoir writers say that we are self-indulgent; we write about ourselves because we think we’re important. Maybe they’re right, maybe I am self-centered. But I believe my story about raising Rhia is important, not because I’m the important one, but because my book might help other people managing a child’s illness. So I kept writing even as my inner critic shouted I was writing a useless book for my own self-interest.
A friend once told me she likes my writing because I “keep it real.” I love that feedback. It means what I write feels true and authentic. That’s what a memoir should be.
How do I keep it real? I ask myself some questions as I write .
Is what I am writing true for me?
Is what I am writing beneficial to others?
Can what I write harm anyone? If so, why am I writing it?
What is my motivation for sharing something so personal?
I try to answer these questions honestly, which also isn’t easy. Sometimes our motivations are hidden even from ourselves. But these questions have helped me decide what to include in my book and what events and people to leave out. And because I’m extremely hard on myself, I actively forgive myself for making mistakes when deciding what to write about.
It’s the only way I’ve found to shut down that inner critic (and external ones!) when it says “You’re so self-involved!”